Governments around the world, have mandated self-quarantine and self-isolation. Businesses have closed, or laid off workers. Staff are working from home. Schools are closed and fear is rampant from the effects of not only the virus, but the economy and personal finances. This new normal is challenging for many of us, but not more challenging than for a woman who is now living 24/7 with her abuser, in mandated isolation.
Abuse thrives in silence and isolation.
COVID-19 is like being in the eye of a perfect storm for women and children living with abusive partners or family members. Isolation compounds violence and abuse and increases a woman’s risk while limiting her access to much needed help. She may feel her options of leaving or living independent of her abuser, are even more limited with less access to money, housing and safety for her children. Her abuser may be working from home or laid off, so the ability to track or monitor her activities is intensified and limits her opportunities to reach out for help or make plans to leave.
Note: Situations surrounding COVID-19 won’t cause someone to become an abuser, but it can escalate abusive situations. Isolation may enable an abuser to exercise increased levels of control; psychological, emotional, financial, physical and more.
Women’s shelters, like the ones in Durham Region (Bethesda House, Y’s Wish, The Denise House and Herizon House), emphasize that their services are still available. They are working in collaboration with each other and several community services to ensure women have what they need to remain safe and care for themselves and their children. They work hard to do everything they can to provide critical lifelines for women and children.
However, during the COVID crisis, women can’t always reach out to shelters or community services the way they normally would. Shelters have noticed that crisis lines are not as busy as they usually are with calls just trickling in. This does not for a minute mean that domestic violence and abuse is on the decrease, but it does cause worries that women are too afraid or unable to contact or report abusive or violent situations, because abusers are around more. Women may not be able to reach out and seek help or resources safely.
Shelters and community services have experts who are trained to help women, but when women can’t safely reach out, there may be another way. That way is YOU and ME. Family, friends and neighbours - you and me - may be the one resource that women can safely reach out to access a new type of “community care”.
We may be the ones that they naturally have contact with, or who they feel safe enough to reach out to. We can show up with emotional support, information, resources and let them know we are available.
Survivors have said that often what matters most is having someone in their life who supports them without judgement, someone to share ideas with, and someone to lean on when things are tough. That someone might be you.
You don’t have to be an expert or have all the answers to help, but you should equip yourself with information and resources in case a woman does reach out.
Here are some things that might help you have a positive impact or may even be lifesaving for a woman and her children:
Keep a list of resources available ie: shelters, crisis hotlines
Check on them via phone, text, social media etc.
Ask questions and really care about their answers. Go beyond,
”How are you?” Remember, clues can sometimes be in what they don’t say. Ask how the lockdown and isolation is affecting their kids and partner. What is life like during isolation?Listen. Really listen without judgement or without your own agenda. Listen from their perspective. Listen to hear her experience, what she wants, needs and how you can help. You may hear things that are hard. But if you hear that weapons are in the home, their partner has threatened suicide or tried to strangle them, these are red flag warning signs and you, or both of you should reach out to a domestic violence advocate at a shelter, victim services or crisis intervention line, to talk about your concerns and develop a plan to help
After you’ve listened, you may want to respond with statements such as:
“I believe you.”, “I’m sorry this is happening to you.”, “I’m glad you’ve shared this with me.”, “It’s not your fault.”, “You’re not alone in this.” “Do you have any thoughts on how I can help?” “You get to choose what you’d like to do next.”
Consistently connect with them if it is safe for them to do so. It could be one of the most helpful things you do. “Showing up” via phone, email, messaging, social media or in a way that you’ve both decided would be safe, will let them know, they’re not alone.
When there’s “no place like home” because of violence and abuse, neighbours friends and family may be the most important “first responders” for a woman and her children. It’s important for each one of us to prepare for this new kind of “community care”.
#theresnoplacelikehome #loveshouldnthurt #newkindofcommunitycare