But Sometimes it Does…

Each year hundreds of women, children and seniors in Durham Region, experience physical, emotional, financial and sexual abuse and violence - all in the name of "love".

That's why the Violence Prevention Coordinating Council (VPCC) has initiated the #loveshouldnthurt
Campaign.

Through this campaign we are encouraging those who live, work and play in Durham Region to take time to learn about the issues of violence against women and to take action to ensure all women live free from abuse and violence in all its forms.

It doesn't take much to make a difference. You can get started today by:

• Completing the pledge statement: "Because #loveshouldnthurt, I will..............................................................

          Use your smartphone to take a picture of your commitment, then upload it to Facebook, Twitter or Instagram using the hashtag: 

          #loveshouldnthurtdurham

• Start a conversation about violence against women and what you can do to help.

• Champion the #loveshouldnthurt Campaign in your workplace, community and home.

• Designate February, as #loveshouldnthurt Month.

• Come back to this page often to access new resources. (See Below)

• The first Monday of every month we'll be posting great ideas to keep the campaign moving forward and the conversation going..

SILENCE IS GOLDEN…FOR PORNHUB - The largest pornographic video sharing platform in the world. Where. Are. The. Voices. To break the silence?

The silence is deafening from those who should be making noise and using their influence to protect young girls, women and children.

“On International Women’s Day, March 8 from 1:00pm-3:00pm in Montreal, a demonstration will take place outside of the world headquarters of Mindgeek, the company that owns Pornhub, calling for the site to be shut down due to corroborated evidence that the company is aiding and profiting off of the sex trafficking and sexual exploitation of women and children. “

“The protest, being attended by women and children’s advocacy NGOs, activists, and concerned citizens, aims to publicize the worldwide public outrage that has mounted as a massive Pornhub scandal has come to light in recent weeks. In an explosive op-ed for the Washington Examiner on February 10, Laila Mickelwait an author, activist, and director of abolition for Exodus Cry, blew the whistle on the world’s largest and most popular porn website and the executives behind it. The article contained shocking evidence that Pornhub does not require verification of the age or consent of millions of people featured in hardcore sex acts on its site. Because of this, the site has numerous videos of women and underage girls being raped and trafficked.” (Traffickinghub Press Release)

“In the last few months, there have been several shocking cases of sex trafficking and child rape films that were hosted on Pornhub. A 15-year-old girl who had been missing for a year was finally found after her mother was tipped off that her daughter was being featured in videos on the site — 58 such videos of her rape and sexual abuse were discovered on Pornhub.”

“Also in recent news was the case of 22 women who were deceived and coerced by Michael Pratt, owner of GirlsDoPorn, into performing sex acts on film that were subsequently uploaded to Pornhub. These women sued GirlsDoPorn and won a $12.7 million lawsuit against the company. According to a federal indictment, Pratt and his co-conspirators produced child pornography and trafficked a minor. Pratt reportedly fled the United States for New Zealand and is currently wanted on a federal warrant. But there are other individuals complicit in these crimes who should also be wanted by law enforcement — CEO Feras Antoon and COO David Marmorstein Tassillo of Mindgeek, the Canadian-based company (technically headquartered in Luxembourg for tax purposes) that owns Pornhub.”

“You see, Pornhub is complicit in the trafficking of these women and minors and probably thousands more like them.”

“Pornhub is generating millions in advertising and membership revenue with 42 billion visits and 6 million videos uploaded per year. Yet it has no system in place to verify reliably the age or consent of those featured in the pornographic content it hosts.”

“One of the most-searched terms on Pornhub is “teen” pornography. The search will result in videos that are constantly being added faster than any individual could watch them. Many feature girls who look 13 years old at best — girls with braces, pigtails, flat chests, no makeup, extremely young faces, holding teddy bears and licking lollipops, all while being aggressively penetrated. A quick search for the word “teen” turns up titles such as “Young Girl Tricked,” “Innocent Brace Faced Tiny Teen F---ed,” “Tiny Petite Thai Teen,” “Teen Little Girl First Time,” on and on ad infinitum.”

“Pornhub has no system in place to verify the girls (and I say “girls” because they are not women) in the videos it hosts are not trafficked children being raped on film in order to line the pockets of its executives.” (Excerpt from The Washington Examiner, submitted by Laila Mickelwait (@LailaMickelwait) Director, Exodus Cry, and Founder and President of New Reality International). Read the full article here.

At last count 35 media outlets have been instrumental in widely, circulating this article written by Laila Mickelwait. They have reported on Mindgeek - the mega-corporation behind Pornhub and shared information about Pornhub’s mass sex trafficking and exploitation of children.

But in this coverage there’s a blatant silence from those who should be making noise and using their influence to protect young girls, women and children.

Where are the voices of major Canadian media outlets, politicians and corporations?

Why are they not using their power and influence in combination with public outrage over “a virtual, unregulated, mega-brothel, where anonymous pimps and traffickers can sell anonymous young women and girls to anonymous cyber sex buyers all for the profit of the mega corporation behind it.” (Laila Mickelwait)

If you look on Traffickinghub.com you will see a list of the news outlets and organizations who have chosen to show their support by donations, by signing the petition to shut down Pornhub and by spreading the news. Cudos to them! We appreciate the work that is being done to shut sites like Pornhub down.

Then on the other hand, I’m outraged! I’m not only outraged by how Mindgeek and Pornhub have not been shut down before now - I’m also outraged how once again - the fight is placed on the shoulders of community agencies and women to break the silence of the atrocities of violence against women and children.

There needs to be louder voices - ones with large and powerful circles of influence. Don’t get me wrong…I know the awesome power of collective voices of women and community but I also know how tiring it gets to be fighting the battle with the same old, same old.

If you think that there should be more voices; politicians, Canadian media outlets and larger companies and Corporations - let your voice be heard by contacting them, by signing the petition, and by sharing this post.

#bethevoice #loveshouldnthurt #breakthesilence #wherearethey #signthepetition

DURHAM COLLEGE & UOIT 16 DAYS OF ACTIVISM AGAINST GENDER-BASED VIOLENCE

Student leadership from Durham College and the University of Ontario Institute for Technology (UOIT) are collaborating to launch the 16 Days of Activism Against Gender-Based Violence campaign.

The campaign is designed to educate students about the definition and many facets of gender-based violence as well as show them how they can help those affected it in their community. The campaign runs from November 25-December 10.

See the calendar for details on planned events. #loveshouldnthurtdurham #16daysofactivism #awesomeevents #standupandleadout

You can ask just about anyone the meaning of a yellow ribbon and almost certainly they will tell you, “It’s in support of those serving in the military and the hope they’ll return home safely”. Likewise, if you ask what a pink ribbon represents you’ll be met with a resounding “Breast Cancer Awareness”. (Actually you won’t have to ask, because everyone knows what a pink ribbon means.) A red ribbon signifies HIV/AIDS awareness and Mothers Against Drunk Drivers (MADD). Green ribbons are for mental health awareness. Rainbow colours show support to the LGBTQ community and PRIDE.

What about the colour purple? Most will say, that it’s the colour of courage, survival, honour and loyalty. But few will connect the dots between purple hues and woman abuse awareness.

I’ve heard about airlines serving pink drinks on flights in honour of breast cancer awareness and football teams who wear pink jerseys to show their support and solidarity for breast cancer survivors.

Why do certain causes get so much attention and support when others remain virtually unknown?

In the past it’s not been very “sexy” for the general public, our communities, businesses and government to stand with women whose lives are impacted by violence and abuse. Women and girls who experience intimate partner abuse are left to feel alone, embarrassed and ashamed. - It’s more connected to other “s” words like secrecy and silence.

“Woman abuse isn’t a disease or a natural disaster. Domestic violence is inflicted…by one person on another. And not a stranger: an intimate partner is the abuser. The victim and abuser are part of a community, part of families, part of a congregation or mosque. The domestic violence…is often one we as bystanders don’t want to talk about. Victims/survivors too often live in silent shame, afraid to tell their stories because too often we continue to blame the victim for the treatment she/he receives at the hand of her/his intimate partner. (Rev. Dr. Marie M. Fortune)

Purple is the colour of Woman Abuse Awareness Month. November in Canada. The colour purple, is used to represent women who have experienced abuse and violence at the hands of another. Purple represents courage, survival and honour of women who continue to move forward even though, those they trusted the most have failed them. When we wear or use the colour purple - we are making a statement. A bold and loud statement. We are saying that we stand beside the very brave women who endure violent and often unseen crimes. When you go purple you show support and solidarity for women all over the world, in our communities and in our homes.

Now you know. So what?

Go purple, decorate your home or business with purple, turn our streets purple. Talk about “why” purple. Make it okay to talk about it. Make an impactful statement without ever saying a word, that violence against women is NEVER. OKAY. Go purple to let women know they are not alone and that you support them. Go purple during the month of November to signify the need for change. Change in our actions, our words, our thinking, “what we teach and what we tolerate”.

That’s. Why. Purple.

#loveshouldnthurt #gopurple #endviolenceagainstwomen

Violence Against Women is an epidemic in Ontario. Most cases of domestic violence, sexual assault or any other form of violence against women go unreported and are invisible to society. The twenty percent who do report are just the tip of the iceberg.

We need to take a look at what’s beneath the surface of what we think we know. We need to learn more about violence against women, the issues women face and what we as community members can do to take action and make change.

Today starts November Woman Abuse Awareness Month and we are asking that our communities go purple - individuals, businesses, community members and government.

Whether it’s what you wear, or colouring your workplace and home purple, women impacted by abuse and violence need to know that we stand with them. That we are their advocates, with voices when they don’t, or can’t have one. We want women who have remained silent for too long to know that “we know” and we stand with them. We want them to know that they have support in the communities they live in.

So what can you do to make a difference to women, girls and families in your community?

You can start today by taking a few minutes to watch the video below to learn what Domestic Violence is then come back to this page often for more great ways to Go Purple.

Quick tech tips for survivors and advocates of violence against women.

Survivors of domestic violence, sexual assault, stalking and human trafficking can begin to reclaim control of their lives by implementing smart, safety strategies and plans. The overall objective in safety planning is to develop a personalized, practical plan that is tailored to fit each victim’s unique needs and circumstances.

Technology is a tool often forgotten about when creating a safety plan. An abuser can use technology to track a victim’s activities, whereabouts and data. The following Quick Tech Tips has been prepared and shared with us by Techwarn.com to help survivors consider a more comprehensive safety plan.

Tech Safety Tips for Domestic Violence Survivors

While technologies such as mobile phones, email and the internet have brought us many benefits, they have also created new avenues for domestic abuse. It is not easy to know if someone has interfered with your devices or if your devices are being used against you. Devices can included laptops, phones, desktop computers, your television or even your car.

The following signs should tell you that something is not right:

• Your device is not working as usual

• Your device has been away from you for sometime

• You are receiving notifications of someone accessing your accounts

• Your abuser knows information that is secret to you, for example where you’ve been, and who you’ve been talking to

• Your abuser encourages you to take your phone everywhere you go

If you suspect that your device has been tampered with, here are some simple actions you can take to ensure you’re using your devices safely, while protecting your privacy.

Protect your Email Account

Safeguard your email account the same way you would your cloud storage. If you’re the only one who has access to your phone, use two-factor authentication and a strong password. Email providers like Gmail, give you the option to assess where and when your account was last accessed. If you suspect that someone could be reading your emails, you can review this activity log.

When asked to enter a recovery email address or secondary phone number, consider giving one that belongs to a trusted friend or family member, rather than supplying one of your own. Features such as Google’s 2FA go even further to allow you to print out “backup codes” that you can use to access your phone in case you are locked out. If you decide to use this feature, make sure to store these backup codes in a safe place.

Ensure Your Social Media Presence is Secure

Just like your email or cloud storage, your social media accounts need to be secure from intrusion. Use two-factor authentication and ensure you provide a secure email at signup.

Your abuser may decide to use your online presence to track you. Check the privacy settings on your accounts and even withdraw location permissions from apps. You may also consider setting your accounts to private and only open accounts under pseudonyms. Be aware though, that apps such as Facebook, Twitter and Instagram might still recommend your pseudo account to your abuser as a suggested friend, based on your email address, phone number, and other activities on your phone.

Also, be sure not to dish out sensitive data on social media, for instance, identification documents, ticket numbers or pictures with details that could reveal your exact location such as street signs.

Choose Encrypted Chats over Unencrypted Ones

The encryption features in certain apps, including Telegram, WhatsApp, Viber and Signal, make it difficult for anyone who has access to your account to look through your past chats. Telegram has various features that can help you maintain contact with your family and friends or ask for help. Telegram can also set your chats to “self-destruct” after a certain duration of time, so even if someone gains access to your account, they won’t be able to see your past chat exchanges.

Make Use of Secret USB Sticks

If you believe your device has been tampered with, you can still safely store your data using a USB stick that you keep hidden in a safe place. You can even store your data on USB sticks with hidden partitions. If your abuser finds one of the partitioned USB sticks and tries to plug it into a laptop or computer, the stick would appear as if it’s broken and your files won’t be revealed.

Conclusion

While we are always looking for ways to secure our online communications and activity from external sources, it is good to note that these dangers are not always external. In cases of domestic violence, the abuser could still be living in the same home. Survivors should review their plans often to update and keep them relevant, whether the victim is still in the relationship, planning to leave or already left the abuser.

If you or someone you know is a victim of violence or abuse, it is essential to remember technology safety as part of complete safety planning.

Thanks to Techwarn.com for sharing these Tech Safety Tips for women impacted by abuse or violence. Techwarn.com is a digital safety advocate, warning tech users of the dangers in the digital world. They are passionate about empowering users to take control of their digital lives.

#techsafetytips #safetyplanning #loveshouldnthurt

10 Things…

DID YOU KNOW…?

#loveshouldnthurt #webelievesurvivors #didyouknow

3 Ways Businesses Can Fight Sex Trafficking

#loveshouldnthurt isn't just a message for individuals, the justice system or the violence prevention sector. 

Businesses can play a huge role to raise awareness and implement policies to put a dent in a multi-billion dollar sex-trafficking industry that hurts so many.

"The business community is uniquely positioned to help train their employees, to enforce policies and to use their special resources to fight human trafficking." Nikki Clifton

Watch this informative TED talk to learn 3 ways businesses can have a positive impact for victims, our communities and families. #loveshouldnthurt #stopsextrafficking #livingandworkingwithjohn

"...while 70% of women believe online harassment to be a major problem, not many know how to prevent it." vpn mentor

I'm really excited about this Internet Safety Guide published by VPN Mentor, authorities on web privacy. 

As we know, online tools used for abuse and harassment of women, are social media platforms. More than ever before, women are experiencing threatening messages, being tracked, sent unwanted sexually explicit images, and having their privacy invaded.

This guide empowers women to navigate the internet in safety and without fear. There's tons of information, tips and advice, regarding harassment - "on social media, at work, while dating and more...and how women can take control." vpn mentor

Check it out and be sure to share it with all the women you know.

#loveshouldnthurt #internetsafety #everywoman

So here we are again... those lazy, hazy days of summer. Actually, I find there's not a lot of the lazy thing happening. The world keeps turning and some things never slow down and stop.- regardless of the season.

Like, violence against women.

Summer is a time when abuse and violence against women and children may escalate. Shelters often report an uptake in domestic violence during summer months. Stress due to children being around more, hot summer temperatures and an increase in alcohol and drug abuse can all add to an abusive partner's existing behaviour and may contribute to the need for shelter services.

I bet you're thinking, "What can be done during this time of year to keep the #loveshouldnthurt message moving forward?"

Funny you should ask, because I have an idea.

Why not create a violence prevention Summer Bucket List? A list of things that you, your friends and family can do to make a difference in your home, workplace and communities.

Here's a few ideas to get you started:

1. SPEAK UP!  At this time of year there are lots more social gatherings; BBQ's, pool parties, family picnics, get together's at the cottage and just relaxing with family and friends. No matter what the situation, it's never okay to speak about women in derogatory or demeaning ways. If you hear someone using abusive language or putting women down in any way...SPEAK UP! You can say something in a non-confrontational way. "It's wrong to speak about women that way. It's not okay."

Sometimes people just need to be reminded and you may be surprised by how many others feel the same way and were just waiting for someone like you to say something.

2. GET INVOLVED During Christmas and other holiday seasons, shelters receive much appreciated help through donations, supplies, gift cards and products for women and children. Shelters are often full to capacity during the summer resulting in an increased need for help from the community.

Get together with your family or neighbours to organize a garage sale and donate the proceeds to your local shelter. It can be a fun way to work together to benefit the lives of women and children.

3. LEARN NEW THINGS Take the time this summer to learn more about violence against women; how it impacts individuals, families and your community, and how you can help. Here's a great website with ideas on educating kids about gender equality, non violence and violence against women and girls. It's a great place to learn about those issues for yourself as well.

4. READ MORE  When you want to relax by the pool or the deck - take a book to read. Unwind with fiction, non-fiction, or any other type of read that you love, but for your Bucket List, choose ones that promote healthy relationships, respect and gender equality. Share your reading list with others.

These are just a few ideas to get you started with a Summer Bucket list that will make a difference for you and for others.

Share your list or ideas on Twitter, Instagram or Facebook - using the hashtag #loveshouldnthurt #loveshouldnthurtdurham

That's it for now - I don't want to keep you too long. You've got a bucket to fill.

Have a great and safe summer!!

#loveshouldnthurt #loveshouldnthurtdurham #summerbucketlist #summerholidays #summerideas

 SEE THE SIGNS

Open your eyes to the many forms of abuse.

It's not easy to look at, and it's even harder to live with. 

If you want more information about the different signs of abuse click here

#loveshouldnthurt #worldelderabuseawarenessday #elderabuse #formsofelderabuse

Everyone has the right to lead a life free from abuse - no matter what their age.

Want to know more? Let's start with some myths about Elder Abuse....

Myth #1   Most Elder Abuse happens in nursing homes.

Some cases have been reported to take place in nursing homes. But most elder abuse occurs at home - behind closed doors. Family members and other loved ones are often the perpetrators. In most cases it's someone who they love and trust like a grandson, niece, daughter family friend or neighbour.

Myth #2  If there are no bruises, there's no abuse.

When it comes to Elder Abuse, nearly everyone pictures bruises, broken bones and bed sores. But in fact, there are lots of ways to hurt someone physically without leaving marks - or the marks can easily be explained away as being age-related or from falling. 

Neglect is one of the most common forms of abuse and can often go undetected. Emotional, financial, fraud and scams - all forms of abuse - may not show physical signs but they are very real.  

Myth #3  Elder Abuse is no big deal.

Actually, it is. Yet few resources are devoted to prosecuting and preventing Elder Abuse.

Violence and abuse against seniors has grown with an estimated 4-10% of seniors experiencing some form of abuse. These stats don't give an accurate picture of just how prevalent and far-reaching elder abuse is in our communities because only about 20% of incidents are actually reported to someone who is able to help.

Myth #4  Caregiver stress causes Elder Abuse.

Care-giving for seniors can be stressful – there's no doubt about that. But stress doesn’t cause elder abuse. Most stressed caregivers do not harm the person they care for. Using “stress” as an excuse shifts the focus from the abuser and puts blame on the victim with reasoning that if the older person was just easier to care for, not sick, and not so demanding, the abuse would never occur.

Myth #5   Elder Abuse happens to men and women equally.

Elder Abuse happens more often to women than men. However, regardless of gender, those with some form of cognitive impairment are at greatest risk for abuse.

Myth #6   Educated seniors don't fall for scams.

Financial scams focused on seniors are becoming more and more sophisticated, able to fool even the most intelligent and educated individuals - no matter what age they are. Con artists can fool the smartest of people. Scams can happen over the phone IE: callers who say they are with Revenue Canada and demand payment of taxes owed or they will be arrested, or by bogus utility company reps who go door to door.

Separating the myths from the facts may someday help you, or a family member that you care about recognize and report Elder Abuse.

Come back to this page often during the month of June for more about Elder Abuse.

Do you know what domestic violence looks like? Can you spot the signs? Would you know what to do even if you did?

Thanks to DomesticShelters.org - you can learn more about it - maybe even begin a conversation because #loveshouldnthurt.

#domesticviolence #endviolenceagainstwomen #thetruth #loveshouldnthurt

Would you like to know more? Let us know what you'd be interested in learning about when it comes to violence against women. Send us an email at: info@vpccdurham.org or go to the bottom of this page and sign up to receive our newsletter.

The Best. Mother's Day. Ever.

#loveshouldnthurt

It's hard to imagine so many mothers enduring violence and abuse in the name of love.

It's hard to imagine that so many moms will be spending "their" day in a shelter fleeing abuse and violence. 

In the midst of celebrating the women who have brought us into this world and the many women who help us maneuver the ups and downs of life - it's hard to imagine...

6000+

THE NUMBER OF WOMEN AND CHILDREN WHO SLEEP IN SHELTERS ON ANY GIVEN NIGHT BECAUSE IT ISN'T SAFE AT HOME

1 in 6

CANADIANS ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR MOTHERS HAVE BEEN ABUSED AND VICTIMS OF VIOLENCE.

67%

THE PERCENTAGE OF CANADIANS WHO KNOW A WOMAN WHO HAS EXPERIENCED PHYSICAL OR SEXUAL ABUSE.

(Canadian Women's Foundation)

It won't take much to make her day a great one. Just. Love. Her.

#loveshouldnhurt #mothersday #justloveher #ifyoulovehershowher

"Times up on women being held responsible for men's bad behaviour. It is men's responsibility to change men's bad behaviour.

Our culture is shifting and it's time."

What are your thoughts about healthy or unhealthy relationships?

Go ahead and start the conversation.  #loveshouldnthurt #loveshouldnthurtdurham #starttheconversation #itseasy

#loveshouldnthurt Contest

Do you want a trip to Hawaii? How about a new car?....Sorry this isn't the contest for you. But if you want to help raise awareness for the prevention of Violence Against Women and have a chance to win $100.00...then you are in the right place!

9 Little Ideas to Make a Big Difference

Engaging Men as Allies to Prevent Violence Against Women

9 Ways to be Accountable When You've Been Abusive

Note: This is an excerpt from Everyday Feminism. Click here for the full article.

"The fact is that there are extremely few resources and organizations out there with the mandate, will, and/or knowledge to how to help people stop being abusive. 

"But doesn’t the feminist saying go, “We shouldn’t be teaching people how not to get raped, we should be teaching people not to rape?”

"And if so, doesn’t it follow that we shouldn’t only support people who have survived abuse, we should also support people in learning how not to abuse?

"When we are able to admit that the capacity to harm lies within ourselves – within us all – we become capable of radically transforming the conversation around abuse and rape culture. We can go from simply reacting to abuse and punishing “abusers” to preventing abuse and healing our communities.

"Because the revolution starts at home, as they say. The revolution starts in your house, in your own relationships, in your bedroom. The revolution starts in your heart."

The following is a nine-step guide to confronting the abuser in you, in me, in us all.

1. Listen to the Survivor

When one has been abusive, the very first – and one of the most difficult – skills of holding oneself accountable is learning to simply listen to the person or people whom one has harmed:5

Listening without becoming defensive.

Listening without trying to equivocate or make excuses.

Listening without minimizing or denying the extent of the harm.

Listening without trying to make oneself the center of the story being told.

When someone, particularly a partner or loved one, tells you that you have hurt or abused them, it can be easy to understand this as an accusation or attack. Very often, this is our first assumption – that we are being attacked.

This is why so many perpetrators of abuse respond to survivors who confront them by saying something along the lines of, “I’m not abusing you. You are abusing me, right now, with this accusation!”

But this is the cycle of violence talking. This is the script that rape culture has built for us: a script in which there must be a hero and a villain, a right and a wrong, an accuser and an accused. 

What if we understood being confronted about perpetuating abuse as an act of courage – even a gift – on the part of the survivor?

What if, instead of reacting immediately in our own defense, we instead took the time to listen, to really try to understand the harm we might have done to another person? 

When we think of accountability in terms of listening and love instead of accusation and punishment, everything changes.

2. Take Responsibility For the Abuse

After listening, the next step in holding oneself accountable is taking responsibility for the abuse. This means, simply enough, agreeing that you and only you are the source of physical, emotional, or psychological violence directed toward another person. 

A simple analogy for taking responsibility for abuse can be made to taking responsibility for stepping on someone else’s foot: There are many reasons why you might do such a thing – you were in a hurry, you weren’t looking where you were going, or maybe no one ever taught you that it was wrong to step on other people’s feet. 

But you still did it. No one else – only you are responsible, and it is up to you to acknowledge and apologize for it.

The same holds true for abuse: No one, and I really mean no one – not your partner, not patriarchy, not mental illness, not society, not the Devil – is responsible for the violence that you do to another person.

A lot of factors can contribute to or influence one’s reasons for committing abuse (see the point below), but in the end, only I am responsible for my actions, as you are for yours.

3. Accept That Your Reasons Are Not Excuses

There is an awful, pervasive myth out there that people who abuse others do so simply because they are bad people – because they are sadistic, or because they enjoy other people’s pain. 

This is, I think, part of the reason why so many people who have been abusive in the past or present resist the use of the terms “abuse” or “abuser” to describe their behavior. In fact, very, very, very few people who abuse are motivated to do so by sadism. 

In my experience as a therapist and community support worker, when people are abusive, it’s usually because they have a reason based in desperation or suffering.

Some reasons for abusive behavior I have heard include:

I am isolated and alone, and the only person who keeps me alive is my partner. This is why I can’t let my partner leave me.

My partner hurts me all the time. I was just hurting them back.

I am sick, and if I don’t force people to take care of me, then I will be left to die.

I am suffering, and the only way to relieve the pain is to hurt myself or others.

I didn’t know that what I was doing was abuse. People always did the same to me. I was just following the script.

No one will love me unless I make them.

All of these are powerful, real reasons for abuse – but they are also never excuses. There is no reason good enough to excuse abusive behavior.

Reasons help us understand abuse, but they do not excuse it. 

Accepting this is essential to transforming culpability into accountability and turning justice into healing.

4. Don’t Play the ‘Survivor Olympics’

As I mentioned above, communities tend to operate on a survivor/abuser or victim/perpetrator dichotomy model of abuse. This is the belief that people who have survived abuse in one relationship can never be abusive in other relationships.

I find that social justice or leftist communities also tend to misapply social analysis to individual situations of abuse, suggesting that individuals who belong to oppressed or marginalized groups can never abuse individuals who belong to privileged groups (that is, that women can never abuse men, racialized people can never abuse white people, and so on).

But neither of the above ideas is true.  Survivors of abuse in one relationship can, in fact, be abusive in other relationships.

And it’s for privileged individuals to abuse others because of the extra power social privilege gives them, but anyone is capable of abusing anyone given the right (or rather, wrong) circumstances.

It can be easy, when confronted with the abuse we have perpetrated, to try and play “survivor Olympics.” 

“I can’t be abusive,” we may want to argue, “I’m a survivor!” Or “The abuse I have survived is so much worse than what you’re accusing me of!” Or “Nothing I do is abusive to you, because you have more privilege than me.”

But survivors can be abusers, too.

Anyone can be abusive, and comparing or trivializing doesn’t absolve us of responsibility for it.

5. Take the Survivor’s Lead

When having a dialogue with someone who has abused, it’s essential to give the survivor the space to take the lead on expressing their needs and setting boundaries.

If you have abused someone, it’s not up to you to decide how the process of healing or accountability should work.

Instead, it might be a good idea to try asking the person who has confronted you questions like: What do you need right now? Is there anything I can do to make this feel better? How much contact would you like to have with me going forward? If we share a community, how should I navigate situations where we might end up in the same place? How does this conversation feel for you, right now?

At the same time, it’s important to understand that the needs of survivors of abuse can change over time, and that survivors may not always know right away – or ever – what their needs are. 

Being accountable and responsible for abuse means being patient, flexible, and reflective about the process of having dialogue with the survivor.

6. Face the Fear of Accountability

Being accountable for abuse takes a lot of courage.

We live in a culture that demonizes and oversimplifies abuse, probably because we don’t want to accept the reality that abuse is actually commonplace and can be perpetrated by anybody.

A lot of people paint themselves into corners denying abuse, because, to be quite honest, it’s terrifying to face the consequences, real and imagined, of taking responsibility.

And there are real risks: People have lost friends, communities, jobs, and resources over abuse.  The risks are especially high for marginalized individuals – I am thinking particularly of Black and Brown folks here – who are likely to face harsh, discriminatory sentencing in legal processes. 

There is nothing I can say to make this hard reality easier.

I can only suggest that when it comes to ending abuse, it’s easier to face our fear than live in it all of our lives. It’s more healing to tell the truth than to hide inside a lie. 

When we hold ourselves accountable, we prove that the myth of the “monster” abuser is a lie.

7. Separate Guilt from Shame

Shame and social stigma are powerful emotional forces that can prevent us from holding ourselves accountable for being abusive: We don’t want to admit to “being that person,” so we don’t admit to having been abusive at all.

Some people might suggest that people who have been abusive ought to feel shame – after all, perpetrating abuse is wrong. I would argue, though, that this is where the difference between guilt and shame is key:

Guilt is feeling bad about something you’ve done. Shame is feeling bad about who you are.

People who have been abusive should feel guilty – guilty for the specific acts of abuse they are responsible for. They should not feel shame about who they are, because this means that abuse has become a part of their identity.

It means that they believe that they are fundamentally a bad person – in other words, “an abuser.”

But if you believe that you are an “abuser,” a bad person who hurts others, then you have already lost the struggle for change – because we cannot change who we are.

If you believe that you are a fundamentally good person who has done hurtful or abusive things, then you open the possibility for change.

8. Don’t Expect Anyone to Forgive You

Being accountable is not, fundamentally, about earning forgiveness.  That is to say, it doesn’t matter how accountable you are – nobody has to forgive you for being abusive, least of all the person you have abused.

In fact, using the process of “doing” accountability to try and manipulate or coerce someone into giving their forgiveness to you is an extension of the abuse dynamic. It centers the abuser, not the survivor. 

One shouldn’t try aim for forgiveness when holding oneself accountable. Rather, self-accountability is about learning how we have harmed others, why we have harmed others, and how we can stop.

But…

9. Forgive Yourself

You do have to forgive yourself.  Because you can’t stop hurting other people until you stop hurting yourself.

When one is abusive, when one is hurting so much on the inside, that it feels like the only way to make it stop is to hurt other people, it can be terrifying to face the hard truth of words like abuse and accountability.  One might rather blame others, blame society, blame the people we love, instead of ourselves.

This is true, I think, of community as well as individuals. It is so much easier, so much simpler, to create hard lines between good and bad people, to create walls to shut the shadowy archetype of “the abuser” out instead of mirrors to look at the abuser within. 

Perhaps this is why self-accountability tools like this list are so rare.

It takes courage to be accountable. To decide to heal. 

But when we do decide, we discover incredible new possibilities: There is good in everyone. Anyone is capable of change. And you are braver than you know.

Kai Cheng Thom is a Contributing Writer for Everyday Feminism. She is a Chinese trans woman writer, poet, and performance artist based in Montreal. She also holds a Master’s degree in clinical social work, and is working toward creating accessible, politically conscious mental health care for marginalized youth in her community. You can find out more about her work on her website and at Monster Academy. 

What do you think about these 9 Ways to be Accountable When You've Been Abusive?

Don't forget to Share the article with your community. #loveshouldnthurt, #vpccofdurham, #toxicmasculinity

#loveshouldnthurtdurhm Campaign Launch

#loveshouldnthurt Campaign Launch Keynote

Elizabeth Pierce, Executive Director, Catholic Family Services of Durham

(Not everyone was able to make it to the #loveshouldnthurt Campaign Launch, so we wanted to give you a sample of the fantastic keynote address, Elizabeth Pierce shared. Here it is below....)

"The Violence Prevention Coordinating Council (VPCC) is comprised of 32 member organizations in this Region, who are committed to addressing the issues of violence in our community.

"We meet monthly, educating one another about the work being done to address the issues of violence against women, which affects the youngest to the oldest and the most vulnerable in our Region. We also intentionally plan community events to build capacity, increase awareness and be a catalyst for change regarding violence in Durham Region. 

"This year, as we considered what we would do to mark November Woman Abuse Awareness month, we were at a loss. Despite some excellent, past events - partnering with Durham Regional Police Service (DRPS) to bring in experts like Jackson Katz and White Ribbon Campaign - the issue of violence against women in Durham continues to intensify, and the interest from the broader community to be part of the solution, continues to stagnate.

"This year we realized that we needed to do something different. Our goal as a group of agencies is not to be event planners, but to actually be a catalyst for violence prevention through our coordinating efforts.

"We needed to find a way to reach people of all ages, stages, sectors and genders, to educate, and bring awareness to the issues of violence against women, so that we, as a community of service providers and members alike, can begin to change the landscape of our Region.

"Because right now, the landscape is not very lush and appealing with respect to the prevention of violence. Here are the realities we discuss each month:

• In Durham Region, the police respond to an average of 21 domestic calls per day

• 25% of all calls for violent crime are domestic violence cases

• In Canada, a woman is murdered by her intimate partner every six days. Three of those have happened here in Durham Region this year, with a likely fourth, once the victim has been identified

• Luke's Place, an agency providing legal support to domestic violence victims going through the family law process, helped over 600 women this year

• Our four shelters housed 608 women and 320 children this past year. In and of itself that is a staggering number. What is more staggering, however, is that the shelters turned away 1,080 women because they were at capacity. Shelter crisis lines fielded 5,507 calls

• The Canadian Centre for Policy Alternatives, conducted a study on the best and worst cities for women to live and work. Oshawa ranked 24th out of 25 overall, with 25 being the worst, and in the individual category of security, Durham Region rated 25th.

"The VPCC decided, these statistics are unacceptable. That the year after year increase in these numbers, has got to stop. 

"It wasn't many years ago that DRPS responded to 13-14 domestic calls per day. It's now up to 21 calls per day. It wasn't so long ago that "the domestic murder" in Durham was Gillian Hadley,an anomaly at the time. This year there has been four domestic homicides so far.

"We believe that making our Region safer for women benefits everyone. The fewer women that are abused, the fewer children there are exposed to that trauma. The fewer children that are exposed to violence against women, the less likely they are to grow up with anger, mental health, learning and emotional and relational challenges. 

"If the emotional, "touchy, feely" isn't as compelling as the business case - then here's the other side: Domestic violence costs the nation over 7 billion dollars each year. The fewer women there are being abused, the less need there will be for costly services such as emergency room visits, doctors, EMS, police, the judicial system and lost days to the workplace.

"It's good and right that we have a month to mark Woman Abuse Awareness. It matters. But, historically, for most people who aren't doing the work on a daily basis, the focus towards this issue tends to diminish.

"Imagine if after October; Child Abuse Awareness month, everyone forgot about standing against child abuse, reporting child abuse, speaking out against child abuse and addressing child abuse. We'd have a big problem. As it should be, child abuse prevention is actually a daily activity here in Durham Region.

We need a change with respect to domestic violence. This is not just a women's problem. And truth be told, it's not something that those of us who work with victims, can stop all on our own. We need everyone. And we need to get the word out - that Love Shouldn't Hurt. Not just in November, but all year long.

This is why we're here today. To launch the #loveshouldnthurt Campaign. It starts today, November 17, 2017 and will continue through to next November. We have buttons, stickers, post cards and posters that you can take with you - or contact info@vpccdurham.org to place an order for your workplace. We will be posting these at UOIT and Durham College as well.

"Our hope is that if you aren't already doing so, you will join us in the fight to ensure that love doesn't hurt and to eliminate violence against women. Even if you are already part of the fight, begin the conversation that #loveshouldnthurt with your colleagues, friends and family - where ever your sphere of influence extends.

"We would love for each person here today to be a champion for this campaign. Check your email the first Monday of every month for articles, resources, up-to-date news coverage, research or videos, to share with your community, raise awareness and to continue the conversation. Contact info@vpccdurham.org to be added to the mailing list.

"We hope you will join the VPCC during the month of February, 2018 - the month when love is celebrated. Encourage everyone in your workplace to fill out commitment cards with an action they will take, to be part of the solution and the message that #loveshouldnthurt. 

"Our lofty goal for this Campaign is to increase the awareness and ripple effect in people's lives, behaviours, attitudes, treatment of one another and beliefs about relationships. The VPCC hopes that our membership of 32 agencies, will be joined by a throng of workplaces, organizations, individuals and groups in the fight against gender-based violence, to ensure that our Region is a safer place for women and children."

#loveshouldnthurt #endviolenceagainstwomen #workingtogether