SILENCED: A HIDDEN EPIDEMIC

What does silence hide?

Fear. Manipulation. Control. Isolation. The unknown.

There’s a hidden epidemic in this country killing a Canadian woman every week, leaving survivors with horrible physical and psychological scars. Domestic Violence is the crime hiding in the shadows of our communities. A crime shrouded in secrecy, shame and silence.

“Silenced” isn’t a scary movie. It’s real life for thousands of women. It’s the story that they and their children live everyday. They don’t get to just turn off the film when it’s done or when they tire of it.

You can take steps to protect women and help promote a culture that does not accept violence against women. Begin taking action by sharing this video. It’s a small step to breaking the silence as a voice for women who can’t be heard.

The following post is excerpted from a keynote given by Vanessa Falcon, Executive Director Herizon House

After watching the film short, “Silenced”, I can’t help feeling a heavy heart around the weight of this issue.  I have worked in this sector for many years, and never stop being amazed (and discouraged) at how women are still experiencing violence and abuse in our communities.

As a country, Canadians are viewed as progressive, kind and caring…But are we?  If we are, how do horrible, violent acts like these, happen? 

It is the silence of many that hinders change.

The silence that women are expected to keep when they are mistreated, and the silence of the greater community to continue to ignore the realities of women and children.

December 6, 2019, marks the 30th anniversary of the E’cole Polytechnicque Massacre where 14 young women were murdered, simply because they were women. 

Just for that…They. Were. Women.

Each year in Canada, we remember and mourn the loss of women and children through domestic violence. We use statements like “we will never forget” but the lack of change and progress, tells me we do forget.  In the three decades since that horrific day in Montreal, 780 women have been murdered at the hands of intimate partners. This is only a partial count, as we don’t have all the data and there are many Missing and Murdered Indigenous Women that have not been accounted for.  Today, women continue to be murdered, harassed, assaulted and abused. Their children are witnesses to their abuse, abused themselves and also murdered at the hands of their mother’s abuser.

The number of women impacted by violence in Canada is staggering and might surprise you. 

In Canada, a woman is murdered by her intimate partner or ex-partner every six days.  Every six days…. That’s once a week.

According to the Canadian Femicide Observatory for Justice and Accountability report from the University of Guelph, one woman or girl was slain every 2.5 days in Canada in 2018. Last year, 148 women and girls were killed. More than 90 per cent of those accused in their deaths, were men.

On any given night in Canada, more than 6000 women and children seek refuge in shelters because it isn’t safe at home. 

In Ontario in 2018, 48 women and children were murdered by their intimate partner with three of those from this Region. 

Durham Region has lost women and children to intimate partner violence year after year and each time we gather, mourn and say we won’t forget.  Please don’t forget.  Please don’t be silent.

Each woman and child deserved more. They deserve to not be forgotten, to not be just another statistic in the growing numbers of women murdered by known abusers.       

Why is there silence around abuse?  Why do women keep silent?  As a society and culture, we often question the victim and place responsibility on them to figure it out.  The systems will say “If they don’t tell us how will we know?” When in fact we do know.  We know it’s happening because we have the bodies of women and children buried on a regular basis. 

Have you ever attended the amazing, heartfelt motorcade of a military solider who has been killed?  It’s the most heart wrenching thing to watch, as people gather on the sides and bridges of the 401 to pay their respects.  As we should.  I truly admire this show of support to our troops and wish for a day when we never have to have another one of these motorcades for soldiers.

I’ve often wondered what if we did a similar motorcade for women and children, each time they were murdered?  We would have had 48 of them just last year. 

Could this show of loss and grief, possibly help to raise awareness and break the silence? 

Silence can be deadly for women.  When we ignore signs and warnings, when we try to sweep what is taking place in our communities under the rug or hide them, bad things happen. Women get hurt. Women and children die.

So why is there a continued silence around violence against women?

Abuse and violence doesn’t typically start on the first day or even in the first months of a relationship.   The abuse can be subtle and build.  We’ve heard of the honeymoon phase for relationships.  This is a real thing.  The beginning is loving, full of good times, making memories, building a relationship and life together. 

Subtle abuse can start in a way that is unnoticed.  Small insults or complaints about what society accepts as typical relationship issues… The partner gets upset when the house is not clean, the cooking not done or she goes out with friends.  Statements such as “Do you love ‘others’ more?” or “You would rather be with them”,  leave women trying to explain themselves and their actions.  In their minds it doesn’t make sense…the questions, the complaints the insults.  As the relationship moves on, the abuse escalates and she finds herself changing her behaviour and actions to make sure he doesn’t get upset or mad.  She wants to enjoy their time together. She wants him to be happy but for some reason he isn’t, and she feels it’s her fault.

This cycle continues through the relationship and depending on how it progresses, children may enter into it.  Once pregnant there are now more barriers to leaving and the risk for her increases.  And who can she talk to? Society thinks and expects the couple to be happy and enjoying this time in their life.  She feels pressure to stay, to keep the peace to keep everyone happy.  Women and girls are socialized this way.

The days have rolled into weeks, to months to years. There are hundreds and hundreds of stories of women who feel guilt, shame and responsibility for the abuse and the success of the relationship.  Often when women reach out, the system doesn’t respond in the way they may have expected.  Here in Canada we are proud to be compassionate, inclusive and we believe we sit on the side of justice and what is right.  But is the abuse and violence that countless women suffer, right?  Has there been justice for them?  I would argue there hasn’t been.

There are many factors contributing to why the silence continues for women.  When in the abusive relationship they live with threats of violence from the partner, threats of what will happen if she leaves or tells anyone.  She believes the threats because she has seen death and murder in our communities.  Feelings of embarrassment and shame keep her from talking to family and friends about what is really happening, and it fuels further silence.   Reporting the perpetrator´s behaviour would involve revealing embarrassing and humiliating details they would rather never discuss—especially if they have been enduring this treatment for years.  Victims with children fear being labeled a “bad parent” for staying with someone abusive.   

The adherence to gender roles and expectations of women in our society empowers the silence. Women feel those around her are on the outside looking in, often in judgement. Even the most well-meaning supporters, are prone to viewing and treating the victim differently.   Statements from outsiders such as “I would leave if he even touched me one time”. 

Not having an understanding of the dynamics of an abusive relationship, makes it very easy for us to sit in judgement and place expectations on the victims.  For those who have been in an intimate relationship…What would you do if you went home today and experienced a bout of verbal and emotional abuse from your partner? What if during the name calling, putdowns, and verbal abuse, you were shoved to the ground, bumping your head? Would you quickly get up, pack your things, move out, go to a shelter, change bank accounts, take the kids, change their school, tell your workplace you need some time, hire a lawyer, tell your faith group, your family …?

Or is it possible that you might be confused, and try to figure out what just happened and where it came from? Would you ask yourself “What did I do to cause this?  Or would you rationalize the situation saying, “It’s because my partner is stressed out, with work and life…so much is going on right now.”  I really want you to consider what you would do?  Would you feel the stigma of abuse?  Would you expect to be judged or not believed by your family, friends, police, judicial systems and community? Would you see how difficult it is to come forward and talk about what happened to you?  Would you feel the powerful influence of our society, community and personal pressures?   Would you feel silenced?

A woman’s silence comes from fear of the systems getting involved in their lives and making decisions for them. Systems like the police, family courts, child welfare.  Nobody wants these systems making decisions for them because as we know from experience; the systems don’t always work in the way they are intended too, which is to protect the victim.

The process of leaving an abusive relationship is difficult and prolonged and increases the risk of further and potentially more violent episodes.  It is during separation when most women and children are murdered. 

Given all the information we know, can we agree that we should immediately stop asking “why doesn’t she just leave?”

What if you walked in her shoes for a day or a week? Would you ask the same questions and wonder why she suffers in silence?  

These stories can be found across Canada and, yes most definitely here in Durham Region.  We have four shelters, in this Region to provide emergency shelter for women, staffed by professionals who work tirelessly to break the silence.  Herizon House, The Denise House, Bethesda House and Y’s Wish.

These and other shelters like them are very busy. They operate at, or over, capacity almost all of the time.  Last year, the four shelters combined, provided emergency shelter to more than 630 women and 340 children. They answer over 5000 crisis calls a year.

During this same year unfortunately, more than 1000 times the shelters were at capacity when a woman needed the space.  This means more than 1000 times a woman and her children were potentially left in an unsafe situation.

Luke’s Place is an organization here in Durham that supports abused women who are navigating their way through the family court process.  The family court system is very complicated, complex and at times does not create a safer scenario for women or children.  Last year Luke’s Place supported more than 810 women. 

Catholic Family Services of Durham provides long term therapeutic counselling to women and children who have experienced abuse.  Last year more than 800 women and children were assisted by their counselling programs.

The Durham Regional Police Service (DRPS) responds on average to 21 domestic violence calls per day.

DRIVEN is a collaborative hub of services that provides a one stop service for women who are experiencing abuse.  Open once a week, they supported 173 women last year.

While the efforts of all of these organizations and many others, help to keep women and children safe…it is not enough.  They run on shoestring budgets and are working around the clock advocating, and collaborating to try to reduce the risk for women and children here in Durham. They are all required to fundraise significant portions of their budgets to continue to operate. 

It is outrageous that we need to fundraise for these essential services.  So much time needs to be invested in raising money so that women and children can be safe in their own homes and community.  It seems contrary to what our culture promotes and takes pride in.

And while these numbers I mentioned may surprise you, the reality is that approximately only 20% of victims report their abuse.  We are only seeing the tip of the iceberg. There is so much more beneath the surface – hidden by silence in our communities.

Our Region is clearly facing an issue with violence against women.  There are some great partnerships and collaborations that are happening here.  We are fortunate to have many organizations working together to support women and children who are impacted by abuse and violence, but it’s so much more impactful to prevent it in the first place.

For victims to be truly heard, we must understand the roles we play in building walls of silence around them.  Collectively, we contribute to the creation of walls of silence that help to make violence against women invisible – providing a place for it to exist and grow.

Walls of silence are built by abusers, our society, the systems, policies and more.

Silence is promoted when victims are undermined or not believed when they report the abuse. Those who have decision-making power contribute to the silence when they do not listen to victims or respond to victims disclosures, in a way that is helpful.   Too often, the justice system re-victimizes women exposing them to intimidation and fear by not hearing or fully considering the risk factors and abuse that is occurring. Family and criminal courts deal with different mandates, often resulting in contradictory rulings.

Many systems and policies contribute to the silence of victims by minimizing the crimes or upholding myths that justify the crimes. Restraining orders are breached, peace bonds ignored. Perpetrators pay little or no consequences for breaking the law and serve little or no time resulting in the freedom to re-abuse.

Broken systems help to breed a culture of silence.

Police arrest abusers. Judges set bail. Doctors tend to wounds. Counsellors shelter victims. Judges issue restraining orders. Prosecutors prepare for trials. But too often these players work independently of one another – and the victim is sent back and forth with little to no sharing of important information. Critical information is missed; information that is important to assessing risks and keeping women safe.

Public awareness campaigns should focus on social responsibility in issues of domestic violence, to help create a greater social response.

Policies around violence against women should be targeted on how to reduce the gap between reported cases and estimates of domestic violence.

Policies should promote training and education to raise awareness to improve identification skills and appropriate responses to the disclosure of intimate partner violence.

In Ontario, the Ontario Domestic Violence Death Review Committee reviews the deaths of individuals that occur as a result of domestic violence. The review committee makes recommendations that are intended to reduce incidents of domestic violence and the need for sufficient and sustainable funding for services and reducing risk factors. They site partnerships between police, health, social services and others that are essential for prevention and providing the greatest protection to possible victims.

The Inquiry into Missing and Murdered Indigenous Women and Girls, sites recommendations to address the extreme levels of violence directed at Indigenous women and girls.

We have information.  There are ideas.

The point is – each year these recommendations are made – year after year. We know what needs to be done, yet we aren’t always doing it.

Durham is fortunate to have many collaborative tables, advisory groups and advocacy happening. 

Our public health department has identified priority neighbourhoods. We can see where we need to invest right now.  By investing in areas we know are in need, we could intervene and respond early and prevent violence from occurring.

We have a situation table that responds to situations that are deemed as elevated risk. We use a collaborative approach to mitigate risk.    While we have these groups all working very hard together to do the best they can, we know that domestic violence is not even considered a risk factor in some of the data being collected. 

On the surface we know that domestic violence is a factor in so many people’s lives whether, it’s current or something from the past.  Witnessing violence as a child, if not addressed is a contributing factor to many of the risk factors that are being considered such as mental health, addictions, criminality, poverty, employability, education…etc etc….You get the point. Abuse in the home is traumatizing and it affects children’s development into adulthood, including coping strategies, and stability.

How can we not address this with a strategy that looks at prevention?

If we aren’t collecting data of domestic violence as a risk factor nationally, provincially and locally we are missing opportunities to respond in the best way possible.  Combined, women and children make up a large enough demographic to at least consider the effects domestic violence has on families and the greater community.

We know that violence against women is predictable and preventable but it means that we each need to take action in our own sphere of influence.  Articles like this won’t change our communities, even short films like #silenced will have little impact beyond drawing us into the women’s lives for a moment. True change comes when we collectively Do Something. Take action in your sphere of influence whether it be with friends, family, in your home, in the workplace, government positions representing constituents, or in the community at large. Educate yourself on what you can do to be the voice for silenced women and then do it.

Taking action is the beginning. When change starts to happen, and women feel safe enough to break the silence around their experiences; we will need more resources to provide adequate services and shelter for more than the current 20% who report. Health services and settings, law enforcement, justice systems, community services and support programs for victims and offenders will need to be better equipped to handle a greater demand for services.

So what does the Portrait of Domestic Violence in Durham look like? The true picture is hidden, shrouded in silence.

Our hope is for collaboration and action. With these steps, we can uncover what is really taking place in Durham Region and actually start making a difference.

 SILENCE SLICES OFF WOMEN BIT. BY. BIT.

“…Women said that their number one problem was their inability to speak up, as if there was a foot on their throat ready to choke them.” Deepa Narayan

At a time when when we encourage and adopt growth and progress in every aspect of our lives, how is it we are still silencing girls and women by outdated and dangerous beliefs. This enlightening talk stretches across all cultures to give us insight into what changes need to be made and how to make them.